“Above
all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Psalms
4:23(NIV)
When I was asked to write a blog post about dating and
relationships one of the first topics that came to my mind was “Guarding your
heart” in relationships. Guarding your heart is one of those Christianese
sayings that everyone throws around but very rarely explains. Most of the people I have talked to would say that “taking it slow”, or
“protecting each other’s emotions” which both sound great but aren’t much in
the way of a definition and still left me confused about what to actually do.
So I want to discuss what it means to guard your heart, why it’s so important,
and a few tips on how to do it.
WHAT IT MEANS…
When people talk about guarding your heart in the context of a
dating relationship they are usually talking about maintaining healthy
emotional boundaries in relationships. I think that this is a really good
thing! As Christians we often focus on physical boundaries but don’t think
about our relationship being emotionally healthy. It’s easy to check off the
box for physical purity and forget to be disciplined in other areas. However,
just like there can be repercussions from too much physical intimacy in a
relationship, becoming too emotionally intimate too soon can negatively affect
your relationships. One of the easiest ways to see this is by looking at how
emotional intimacy affects your physical relationships. The closer two people
get emotionally the harder it gets to maintain healthy physical boundaries. God
designed emotional and physical intimacy to grow together. These are gifts that
God intended for marriage. Guarding yourself emotionally in a dating
relationship prepares you to more fully enjoy what God has for you in the
future. So here a few tips that I’ve been taught and that I’ve
learned along the way:
1. DON’T GET TOO PERSONAL TOO SOON!
This is a tip that I first got from a discipler in college. Basically
don’t share really deep life issues too early in a relationship. You don’t have
to know each other’s deepest secret thoughts and feelings right away. It’s
really important to have friends who you can trust with this kind of stuff but
it doesn’t have to be your significant other. Sharing each other’s
burdens and learning more about each other is important but should happen at
the appropriate time.
This can also apply to spiritual activities and conversations.
Activities like praying together or studying the Bible together are incredibly
personal and can take relationships too deep too soon! It’s important to
learn where people are in their faith and their thoughts and views on God, but
that can be done by going to the same church or campus ministry. Just because
something is about Jesus doesn’t mean its good for your relationship.
Have conversations that help you get to know each other more but
make sure that level of that conversation is proportional to how long you’ve
been together and how much longer until you can make a permanent commitment.
Think through what topics are really personal for you and don’t be afraid
to say it’s “too soon” to talk about something if it comes up.
2. BE INTENTIONAL WITH HOW YOU SPEND TIME TOGETHER!
“Intentional” is another one of those Christianese words that people throw out all the time but don’t always define it. What I mean in this context is that as
Christians we are called to be good stewards of the time we're given (Eph.
5:16), so we need to make sure that we use it wisely and in ways that are
edifying for ourselves and others.
One of the biggest pitfalls I’ve seen in my past relationships is
spending too much time together. It’s easy when you’re in a relationship to
spend an unhealthy amount of time together and that leads to being emotionally
too close and dependent. Rather than being together all day everyday, set aside
specific time to get to know each other and each other’s character. Spend more
time in groups. It’s a great way to learn more about each other! You can see how they interact with others and get a better
understanding of them as a person.
Not only can spending too much time together be bad for your
relationship it can also detract from other relationships! We are all members
of one body (1 Cor. 12:27), and all have a role to play in God’s plan for the
world around us. A good way to check if you’re spending too much time together
is to ask if this relationship is detracting from others that God has placed in
your life. Talk with your significant other about how much time you want
to spend together during the week and set boundaries on how you spend your
time.
3. SEARCH FOR SATISFACTION IN GOD NOT RELATIONSHIPS By far
the most important step in guarding your heart is finding primary satisfaction in
your relationship with God, not anywhere else. In Matthew 6:33 Jesus call us to
“Seek first his kingdom” and promises that everything we need will be added.
Relationships have always been a big idol for me. Not just relationships with
girls, but with friends, classmates, and teammates. I know from
experience that when you try and find satisfaction or validation from anywhere
other than God it is ultimately frustrating and unfulfilling.
Not only that but it can also lead to an unhealthy level of
importance being given to what other people think and say about you. In past
relationships I would often find myself on the moon when a girlfriend would say
something good about me and be crushed when they said something bad. When
another person becomes your ultimate source of satisfaction it’s easy to forget
about maintaining healthy emotional boundaries, but when you keep God first in
your life, other relationships can slide into their proper position. Make sure
that your seeking God and placing your relationship with him above all other
relationships.
//James is a Senior at William & Mary.
He is also affiliate staff with Cru//
We all desire to have healthy relationships and one of the best
ways to do that is by guarding your heart. The end goal of dating is
marriage and hopefully you will only marry ONE of all the people you date- so
it’s important to maintain healthy emotional boundaries until we find that one!
But most importantly we need to remember to keep God first in our lives and
faithfully seek after him!
