awake & free: Cherished, Pursued, & Loved//Maggie

I started to believe the lie that I had it together again, or that I needed to keep it together. In the beginning of the semester I was scrambling trying to hold all of the things in my life in one piece and then I realized that was pointless/unhealthy/unrealistic and dropped it all at the feet of Jesus. I wrote a blog back in October where I realized that I was trying to do everything myself and that I was depending on me and not Jesus. I was trying to please everyone and make sure that I was able to take care of others while not taking care of myself. I thought I had learned from that, even though I knew this semester was going to be difficult. I didn't anticipate how Jesus was going to start using the expected pain and sadness to teach me a ton in the span of just three weeks. First, let me back up to freshman year.

I came to college at CNU in the Fall of 09', and struggled a lot with my worth in friendships. I had just graduated from high school, and my best friend and I were going to different schools for college that were over 4 hours away from eachother. I went through many emotions. Feeling like I'd never find other friends, or because no one knew me I wouldn't be understood. I realized that I had been depending on her for my worth and my "reputation". We were the two best friends forever. Friends since we were in 6th grade, and we were joined at the hip. Coming to college was probably the hardest, but best thing for me. I learned that my worth came from Jesus, and I was loved and cared for. I realized that I was unique and people at college wanted to be friends with me because of me, not because I was associated with other people. I grew as an individual, and depended on Jesus more and more instead of who I thought I was or needed to be from high school.

Fast forward to now. I have been out of college for 1.5 years. This is my second year interning with Cru, and it's wonderful...but I am realizing that yet again, I was putting my worth and identity more in how people perceived me to be, instead of in Jesus. Now what brought about this revelation? My brother/other half/best friend left to study abroad in London for the semester. I knew I would miss him. I knew it would be hard. But I didn't realize how much I put my identity in the fact that I was Graham's sister, until he left. As soon as he left, I immediately started to believe the lies that no one was actually friends with me. I was only loved by others because of my association with my awesome brother (who is awesome that's not a lie). I started to think that I would lose my friends here because he wasn't around to hang out with.

But thankfully the second Graham left, Jesus was already working in my heart to dig around and bring those lies to light. I went to Thrive the night after my brother left, and during a time of prayer, we were to think of three words that God believed about us, and then we were to share it with people. What? Share? no way. I am afraid. But I did. I shared that I was cherished, pursued by God, and captivating to God. I shared that I didn't really believe that most of the time, and I got to pray with people.

Psalm 139:14 says: "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well." Your worth doesn't come from people's opinions of you, or who you are friends with, or what you do in the future. Jesus doesn't want you to believe the lies that you aren't good enough or that you have to work so hard to make sure everyone thinks you have it all together.

My best friend who I mentioned earlier, Rachel, we are still best friends 5 years later. I hung out with her last weekend, and for my birthday (which is on FRIDAY!) she got me this book called Grace for the Good Girl, by Emily Freeman. It has been speaking such truth into my life, and I'm only 3 chapters in. I could write another whole blog on that...which in a month, maybe I will. At the end of chapter 3, Emily says, "As good girls, we subconsciously label ourselves as the strong ones, the responsible ones, the sweet ones, or the right ones...we try to stand tall and capable as the good Christian...But Jesus is calling us to a deeper, truer, freer identity. All he wants is simply you-minus your good works, minus your perfect attendance, minus your politeness." Jesus wants you to believe that you are who he says you are. You are not defined by others, your worth comes from Him. You are cherished, pursued, and captivating. You are loved. Rest in that today.