Recently I have been in a position where a few things have been happening in my life that just don't make sense. Nothing too huge or earth shattering, and yet nothing too pleasant and fun. Man, sometimes life just doesn't make sense and things are confusing and there's an echo of God where are you in this rolling around in my brain. And with each facebook post and instagram of perfect lives out there I'm hit with a twinge of jealousy and of a sinking heart and of a lon
ging for what isn't mine to claim.
Anyone out there tracking with me? Am I alone? I doubt it.
I think we all do this. Life doesn't go as planned and so we question and we hurt and we ache and we pine for things that aren't our own. We put on a fake smile or pretend that life is going as we hoped and we think I'll be happy once ____ is accomplished. Once I graduate. Once I get a job. Once I make the right friends. Once I get the right haircut or the right clothes or the right attitude. Once I get married. Once I have kids. Fill in the blank with anything, and I'm sure everyone behind this screen can relate.
So, what's there for us to do, when life isn't going as planned?
This is by no means an exhaustive list, or even a list in a specific order. But here are five things that I've learned and that I've found as I've gone through different waves of life not going as "planned"...
1. Wrestle. I'm not talking WWE style wrestling or weirdly-dressed high school boys with helmets and cauliflower ear... I'm talking about the soul kind. The kind where we cry out to God and we look inside and we figure out who we're believing God to be and if it's who He really is. The kind where we aren't afraid to be honest before Him and before ourselves and where we can really, truly cry out in our pain and agony and put words to the feelings and the thoughts that are hidden deeply or that are exploding out. The kind where we continue to seek God and continue to read His Word and continue to praise Him, and where we "Pour out [our] hearts before Him; He is a refuge for us," {Psalm 62:8}. The times I've wrestled have been the times I've seen the most honest and raw and real dependence on Him. Don't be afraid. Pour out your heart to Him. He is a refuge for you.
2. Pray big. God can and God cares. A phrase that I heard often during my time as a student spoken by a man who has seen it and experienced it in the biggest and smallest of ways. God can do more immeasurably than we can ask or imagine. And He cares. He cares in the big ways and in the small ways. He weeps alongside Mary and He looks on the crowds and has compassion and He heals the woman who touches His robe. Pray big, dear friends. Pray big and trust God for miracles, and pray that His Will would be done in the situation.
3. Community matters. Allowing others into our lives is what we're made for. God brings people into our lives in ways that we cannot imagine. And He often uses people in our lives to love us as Jesus loves us even when we are incapable of loving them back. That sounds like the gospel, doesn't it? And yet we're afraid to open up and to be vulnerable and real... what if they reject me? my problem isn't as bad as so-and-so's... they're going to think i'm just being a baby... i don't want to be that girl who is always having a hard time. But you know what? Letting others in gives us a chance to depend and gives them a chance to love, and I surely don't want to rob either of us of that. It's in the sobbing on the beds of our friends and in the receiving of the flowers by those who care that we see God in flesh. Community matters.
4. Time passes and there's not a formula. I had a friend share with me once so poignantly that she needed time to grieve and to have space to process through her heartache and not everyone was going to understand and people were going to forget and that was okay. It didn't mean she needed to be "done" and it didn't mean that it was now insignificant. What it meant was that time passes and there's simply no formula for how we're to deal with what's in front of us, and that's okay. She gave me the freedom to start to realize that I didn't have to be done processing or wrestling or dealing with what was in front of me. I could allow myself to fully heal. And guess what? For the first time, I really did. I healed. It took a long time and sometimes things surfaced when I wasn't expecting it. But what is life if we cut it down to be an answer to an equation? Life is for the living.
5. Jesus. Eyes fixed. Heart settled. Distraction-free. He's the One I can rely on. Heart check: Am I there? Where am I? What am I believing? Who am I trusting? Where is my unbelief? Oh Jesus, I believe. Help me in my unbelief. When all is stripped away, what am I really longing for? Where is my hope and my identity and my dang contentment?! That lesson I've learned forever and one times is still reverberating in my soul. I can't seem to get a grasp on it. And you know what? He loves me still. He wraps His arm around me still. He can't seem to let me go, no matter how hard I try. Jesus. The One who is above all. The One who has defeated death. The One who claims me in His place. his grace is mind-blowing. His truth is piercing in the depths of my soul. His life is what gives me mine. I must cling to Him. I must rest in Him. I must choose Him. Even when I don't believe Him.
Dear sisters, sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Sometimes there's no answers and things are confusing and all we want to do is run and hide. But don't neglect the wrestling. Don't neglect the caring. The pushing. The trusting. The resting. The waiting. The patience. In it, God stretches us and we see Him. And those things prepare us for other things to come.
If I hadn't wrestled in the past, I would be less firm in standing on my rock. He is God of all Ages. He is my God. And I know He stands firm.
A friend shared this on facebook and I must share it here now. May this be the honest words spoken by my heart, sometime in my life. "I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages." - CH Spurgeon. Don't lose heart. He's there.
